1. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.

2. Old age is not as bad as I thought. It’s a good feeling when you just don’t give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.

3. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: if you find one, what’s your plan?

4. I decided to change calling the bathroom, ‘the John’ and renamed it ‘the Jim.’ I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.